A boy goes to confession to admit he’d been with a girl of loose morals.
“That’s a grievous sin,” the priest says. “Tell me: Was it Mary O’Hara?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it Kate Dannaher?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it Kathleen McGonigle?”
“No, Father. I don’t want to say who it was.”
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, “How’d confession go?”
He answers, “Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers… and three great leads.”
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An attractive woman took the seat next to me at the bar last night…and brought it to the table with her friends.
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A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.  The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
 
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.  The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
 
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
 
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.  He then hands it to The ‘violator’ for his signature.  The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for.
 
The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an asshole !”
 
Two months later they’re in court.  The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
 
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
 
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client ?”
 
Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
 
Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”
 
“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined.”
 
“What does the “AH” stand for, officer ?”
 
“Aggressive and Hostile, Sir.”
 
“Aggressive and hostile ?”
 
“Yes, Sir.
 
“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for asshole?”
 
Well, sir, you know your client better than I  do.
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I prefer to call my toilet, the John, the Jim instead.  It sounds better to say I hit the Jim  first thing in the morning.
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Someone  called me pretty today.  Well, they actually called me pretty annoying,  but I prefer to focus on the good.
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There are three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can’t.
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On their wedding night, the bride said to her new husband “I have a confession to make.  I am not a virgin.  I’ve slept with one other man”.
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer.”
“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.”
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
“I’m hungry. I’m calling room service.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
“What are you doing now?” she asks.
“I’m still hungry, so I’m going to ring room service for some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole!”
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The wife promised her husband she’d be home by midnight after going out for drinks with her friends
“I’ll be home by midnight, I promise.” She said.
The hours passed as the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m. and a bit loaded, she headed home. Just as she walked into the door the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and ‘cuckooed’ 3 times. Quickly realizing that her husband might wake up, the wife cuckooed another 9 times.
She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
“Even smashed, 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equals 12 cuckoos. That’s midnight!” She thought.
The next morning the husband asked his wife what time she got home last night.
“Midnight!” She replied. The husband didn’t seem pissed in the least so she thought she’d gotten away with it.
Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” She asked him why and he said, “Well, last night our clock ‘cuckooed’ 3 times then said, ‘Oh shit’, ‘cuckooed’ 4 times, cleared it’s throat, ‘cuckooed’ 3 times, giggled, ‘cuckooed’ twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
=====*=====
Joe and John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John’s wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, “Hell no! Fact is, I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.”
“I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle.”
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In light of the recent events in Korea, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.
The English are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Korea and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “F_ck Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!” and “The Barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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“Be strong”, I whispered to my WiFi signal
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“Dead or alive, you’re coming with me”.  Great movie quote…terrible pick-up line
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A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly
Gates
. “Have you ever 
done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter
asked.

 “Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offered.
Once, on a trip to
the
Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who
were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, 
but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most 
heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the
head, kicked his bike 
over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on
the ground. I yelled, 
“Now, back off!! Or you’ll answer to me!”

 St. Peter was impressed, “Wow ! When did this
happen?”

 “Just a couple minutes ago.”
=====*=====
Two old drunk retired naval aviators are in a bar. The first one says, “Ya know Joe, when I was 30 and got an erection, I couldn’t bend it even using both hands.
By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. 
By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”
 
“So”, says Joe, “What’s your point?”
 
“Well, “says the first pilot, “I’m wondering just how much stronger I’m gonna get!”
 
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Great Quotes on Sex
 
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500.”

Lynn Lavner

 
“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”

George Burns


“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”

Sharon Stone 


“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”

Jack Nicholson


  
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”

Robin Williams 


“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”

Robert De Niro



“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”

Dustin Hoffman 



“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

Robin Williams 



“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”

Joan Rivers



Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin 



You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.  Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.  Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

Elmo Phillips 



“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”

Oscar Wilde
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After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

‘All of this was just too wonderful for words’, he said; ‘But what’s the dollar for’?

‘Well’, she said, ‘last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar’. ‘The breakfast was my idea!!’
 
=====*=====
 
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. 

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on. 

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. 

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. 

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. 

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said. 

He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’
 
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It’s time for a new roommate…
 
Quality engineering…