A store that sells husbands has just opened in France , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
 
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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business trip for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan. So the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 car as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

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An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn’t been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m just here to feed the alligator.”
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Bill Gates died and went to heaven where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

“That’s really nice,” says Bill. “Where did you get it?”

“Actually,” says the man, “I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces.”

“Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the terminally ill?” asks Bill.

“No, I was the captain of the Titanic.”

Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. “How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows Operating System gets a crummy little house?” he asks.

Saint Peter replies, “The Titanic only crashed once.”

=====*=====

My mom used to feed my brother and me by saying “here comes the train’, and we always ate it right away.  Otherwise, she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks.
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Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,

“Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,  Mr. Smith replies,  “Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,

“In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Still thinking this is just adorable,  Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”

Mr. Smith is impressed — Bruce has put so much thought into this.

“Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.  I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,   “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh_t is adorable.

 

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The Work of Steven Wright

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 2 – Borrow money from pessimists; they don’t expect it back.

3 – Half the people you know are below average.

4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 – 827% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 – If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain.

9 – All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend… But she left me before we met.

12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 – I intend to live forever… So far, so good.

20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights still work?

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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’

‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’

He yelled back, ‘ University of Oklahoma ‘

And they say blondes are dumb…

———————————————————–

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’

The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…’

———————————————————–

‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ‘honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’

‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.

———————————————————–

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

———————————————————–

A man and his wife, now in their 70’s, were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 20 years younger…

Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

———————————————————–

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.

AMEN

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————- –

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

———————————————————–

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

———————————————————–

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

———————————————————–

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

———————————————————–

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manuals’

=====*=====
1.My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2.
 I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. 
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4. 
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 

6. 
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me 
7. 
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. 
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. 
I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing. 
10. 
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. 
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. 
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. 
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. 
Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
17.
 Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18
. Procrastinate Now! 
19. 
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. 
A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.
 They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24
. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 
25. A
 picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26
. Ham and eggs… A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true) 
27. 
The trouble with life is there’s no background music. 
28. 
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
=====*=====

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took
his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something
glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an
eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, “Jack, I’ve got trouble down here!”
“What’s the matter?” Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
“Bring me my wedge,” Joe shouted. “You can’t get out of here with
an eight iron.”
Church Ladies With Typewriters

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank Goodness for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
————————–

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
————————–

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight:‘Searching for Jesus.’
————————–


Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
————————–

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
————————–


Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
————————–


For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
————————–


Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
————————–


Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
————————–


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
————————–


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
————————–

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
————————–

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
————————–


The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
————————–

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
————————–


The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
————————–


This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
————————–


The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
————————–


Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

————————–

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re
going to feel all day. “
 
~Frank Sinatra 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
 
felt this way many times!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
~ Henny Youngman 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”
 
~ Stephen Wright 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all
get drunk and go to heaven!”
~ Brian O’Rourke 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
 
Benjamin Franklin 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a geek.
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
“Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer
. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.”
 
Dave Barry 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
 
~
 Dave Howell 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went:
 

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
 
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7 course Irish meal