Archives for category: Uncategorized
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said ‘Sh*t, I missed.’

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. ‘Sh*t, I missed.’

‘Father, I’m not going to play with you if you keep swearing,’
the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, ‘Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing like
that.’

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
‘Sh*t, I missed.’

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice …….

‘Sh*t, I missed.

=====*=====
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died
peacefully in his sleep.  Not screaming like all the

     passengers in his car.”
              –Author Unknown

   2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

      “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children”…Author unknown


3) “Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn’t you say so?  There’s a

       support group for that.  It’s called EVERYBODY, and they

      meet at the bar.”
Drew Carey

   4) “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s
        not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of the night,

        drop them off at the wrong house.”

              —Jeff Foxworthy

   5) “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even

      considering if there is a man on base.”

              —Dave Barry

 6) “Relationships are hard.  It’s like a full time job, and
       we should treat it like one.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend

       wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice.
There should be severance pay the day before they leave

        you, and they should have to find you a temp.”

               –Bob Ettinger

  7) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
     her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.  I said, ‘Mom,

     they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'”
–Paula Poundstone

   8) “A study in the Washington Post says that women have
      better verbal skills than men.  I just want to say to the
authors of that study: “Duh.”

               —Conan O’Brien

  9) “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??  I’m
     halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God….
I could be eating a slow learner.”

             –Lynda Montgomery

   10) “I think that’s how Chicago and Detroit got started.  Bunch of
people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime

       and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go
West.'”
               —Richard Jeni

   11) “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
        impersonators would be dead.”

               —Johnny Carson

  12) “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us
       geography.”

               —Paul Rodriguez

   13) “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty and that’s the law.”

               —Jerry Seinfeld

  14) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
      case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic in that?  What,

        do tall people burn slower?”

               –Warren Hutcherson

   15) “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
        the same.”

             —Oscar Wilde

   16) “Suppose you were an idiot . And suppose you were a
member of Congress…. But I repeat myself.”

              —Mark Twain

   17) “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student.  At least they can find Afghanistan.”

               –A. Whitney Brown

  18) “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right!

      I never would’ve thought of that!'”

             —Dave Barry

Advertisements

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his hometown and then left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech in his hometown. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted, and the microphone amplified it throughout the room. He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. As he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.

Decades later when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Solomon Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, “Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?”

Dr. Epstein replied, “Well, young man, no, it isn’t. I grew up here but then I moved away.”

“Why haven’t you visited?” asked the desk clerk.

“I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I’ve been too ashamed to return.”

The clerk consoled him. “Sir, while I don’t have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even remembered by others. I bet that’s true of your incident too.”

Dr. Epstein replied, “Son , I doubt that’s the case with my incident.”

“Was it a long time ago?”

“Yes, many years.”

The clerk asked, ‘Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?”
=====*=====
Subject: MURPHY’S OTHER 15 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

=====*=====
https://i.redd.it/yz1e11bygph01.jpg
After kissing a girl on her sofa, she said “Let’s take this upstairs”.  “Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”
=====*=====
I was fishing on holiday in florida when I ran out of bait,I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog .
knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth.
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two more frogs
=====*=====

Bob walked into his favorite sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said:”Do you think he’ll jump?”.

Bob said: “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied: “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said: “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.

“Fair’s fair.” she said, “Here’s your money.”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied: “I did, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

=====*=====

Inline image

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks! How do you know I’m not a serial killer though? I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time are astronomical!

=====*=====
You know you’re a redneck when.. 

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think “The Nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

8 You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat

12.. Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized   because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.

24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation  because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
=====*=====
Inline image

MY NEXT LIFE by George Carlin
I want to live my next life backwards: 
You start out dead and get that out of the way. 
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. 
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy, enjoy your 
retirement and collect your pension. 
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. 
You work 40 years until you’re too young to work. 
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you’re 
generally promiscuous. 
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and 
you have no responsibilities. 
Then you become a baby, and then… you spend your last 9 months 
floating peacefully in spa-like conditions – central heating, room service 
on tap, and then… you finish off as an orgasm. 
I rest my case.
=====*=====
Inline image
Two old men had been friends most of their lives. When it was clear that Frank was dying, Leonard visited him every day. 
  
One day Leonard said, “Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing in high school.  Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s golf there.” 
 
Frank looked up at Leonard from his deathbed and said, “Leonard, you’ve been my best friend for many years.  If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” 
 
Shortly after that, Frank died. 
 
A few weeks later, Leonard was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Leonard!” 
 
“Who is it?” asked Leonard, sitting up suddenly.  “Who is it?” 
 
“Leonard — it’s me, Frank.”   
 
“You’re not Frank. Frank just died.” 
 
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Frank,” insisted the voice. 
 
“Frank!  Where are you?” 
 
“In heaven,” replied Frank. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.” 
 
“Tell me the good news first,” said Leonard. 
 
“The good news,” Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, “is that there is golf in heaven.  Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too.  Even better than that, we’re all young again.  Better still, it’s always Summertime and it never rains.  And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired.  And we get to play with all the greats of the past.” 
 
“That’s fantastic,” said Leonard.  “It’s beyond my wildest dreams!  So what’s 
the bad news?” 
 

“You’re in my foursome this Saturday.”
=====*=====
The first person who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

=====*=====
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.” Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination. The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
=====*=====
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University has
invented a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling and
prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold
weather sets in.

At a recent news conference announcing the invention, a large
group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and beat the crap out of him.

=====*=====
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a
gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic
ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very
serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

“The young lady looked at his awards and decorations
and said, “It Looks like you have seen a lot of
action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a
conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a
little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious
manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope
you don’t take this the wrong way, but
when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and
quit taking Everything so seriously! I mean, no sex
since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private
room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his
bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much
since 1955.

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
serious voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

=====*=====
Quote of the Day
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
=====*=====

Inline image