Archives for category: funny
Warning….Blonde joke day!  Another warning…Friday Funnee will return August 25th.

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.  She says, “What’s the story?”          He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”       She asks, “How often do I have to do that?
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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff,         “I wish you guys would get your act together.  Yesterday you took my license away, and today you expect me to show it to you!”
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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.  She rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”   She thought for a time and then asked,     “Is the vacuum on or off?”
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The blonde reports for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.  She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and! No, for Tails. 

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.  During the last few minute s she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.     
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.  “I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I’m rechecking my answers.”
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Blonde, it’s not just a hair color, it’s an adventure!
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A man called the hotel manager. He said “Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!”. The manager replied “Sir this is a personal matter and we can’t get involved. I can call sec…” The man interrupted “No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won’t open!”.
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People have to stop putting flyers on my car.  I don’t want to see a band called “Parking Violation” at the “Courthouse.”
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Society is just full of double standards.
For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is “sweet” and “beautiful”
But when I do it, people say that I’m “drunk” and “no longer welcome at the aquarium”.
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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everybody in my address book.  Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.
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If trees screamed, would we be so willing to cut them down?  Maybe, if they screamed all the time.  Jack Handey
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.  Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”
 
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A young brunette went into a doctor’s office, complaining that her body hurt all over.  “Try to be specific,” said the Doctor.  The maiden took her finger and pushed on her elbow, then let out an agonized yelp. She touched her knee and produced a blood-curdling scream. Finally, the girl pressed on her ankle and passed out from the pain. 
When she came to, the doctor asked, “Are you really a brunette?” 
“No,” she winced, “I’m actually a blonde.”  “That is what I thought,” the physician smirked. “Your finger is broken.”
 
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Text Messages:
 
From Father: 
My Dear Son,
Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes.
Your Father.
 
From Son:
Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn’t actually until tomorrow
 
From Father:
I know….
 
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One day mom was cleaning junior’s room and in the closet she found a S&M magazine.  This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.  He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.  So she asked him, “What should we do about this?”  Dad looked at her and said, “Well I don’t think you should spank him.”
 
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A Texan buys the entire bar a round of drinks.  He told the bar his wife had given birth to a typical Texan boy weighing 24 pounds at birth.
Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of “Wow!”
Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 24 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “18 pounds.”
The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 24 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
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