Archives for category: funny
“I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.”
I said, “You’ll be sorry.”
He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?”
I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
Twenty ways to say your fly is open:

  1. The cucumber has left the salad.
  2. I can see the gun of Navarone.
  3. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
  4. You’ve got Windows in your laptop.
  5. Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.
  6. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
  7. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
  8. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
  9. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
  10. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
  11. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
  12. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
  13. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
  14. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
  15. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
  16. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”
  17. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
  18. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
  19. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
  20. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
Quote of the Day
“I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, “I don’t know… reelection to the Senate?”
Emo Philips.
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there
appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you
qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so
they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can’t get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk‘s On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI: (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)
There were three women, a brunette, a red head, and a blonde who were trying to break the world record for fastest time to swim across the English Channel doing only the breaststroke.

The brunette shows up on the other side 48 hours later. “Congratulations!” everyone shouts.

Two hours after the brunette shows up, the red head appears. “Good try” everyone shouts to her.

Two weeks later, the blonde shows up. When everyone asked her what happened, she replied, “I don’t mean to sound like a poor sport, but I think the other two women were using their arms.”
Subject: Super Bowl tickets!

I know it’s late notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl in Minneapolis at the new U. S. Bank Stadium on Sunday, February 4th.  They are box seats and he paid $4500 per ticket, which includes the ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, a $400.00 bar tab and a pass to the winners locker room after the game.  What he didn’t realize when he bought them last year was that it’s on the same day as his wedding.  If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.  It’s at St. Paul’s Catholic Church at 3 p.m.  Her name is Ashley.  She’s 5’4″, about 115 pounds, a good cook, loves to fish and hunt and will clean your truck.  She’ll be the one in the white dress.
Have a wonderful holiday!  Enjoy the loved ones, and the mildly fond ones too.  Hell, drink some Jack and Nog and love ’em all.  Take care and see you next year!
Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.
“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.
“They’re Carol’s.”
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv bena gud boy allyeer.
Yer Frend,
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in
lawn care. How about I send you a fricken book so you can learn to
read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least
he can spell!
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice
Legos instead.
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay.
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Hey, you wanted to know.
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please,
PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but it doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.
Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our house?
First, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house; you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Xmas shopping

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done.

I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.

He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night’s chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

“Why didn’t you scream for help?” I asked.

The boy said, “I did.”

“And nobody came to help you?” I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

“How loud did you scream?” I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, “Help me!”

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

See the source image
Dorothy and Edna, two “senior”widows, are talking at the local coffee

Dorothy: “That nice Jim asked me out for a date . . . I know you went
out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I
give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well . . . I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually 
at 7 P. M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine  suit, and he
brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car. A
limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner. . . a marvelous dinner.  Lobster,
Champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you,  Dorothy, I enjoyed it so
much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we  are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an
“ANIMAL”. Completely crazy, he tears off  my expensive new dress and has his
way with me…. two times!”

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! . So you are telling me I shouldn’t go out
with him?”

Edna: “No, no, no . I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”
 Why Men Are Happier……………..      

Why Men Are Just Happier People – What do you expect
 from such simple creatures? Your last name stays
 put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans  take
 care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
 You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You
 can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can
 wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell
 you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never
 have to drive to another gas station restroom
 because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to
 stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
 Same work, more pay.  Wrinkles add character.
 Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental — $100. People
 never stare at your chest when you’re talking to
 them The occasional well-rendered belch is
 practically expected. New shoes don’t cut, blister,
 or mangle your feet. One mood-all the time. Phone
 conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know
 stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only
 one suitcase. You can open all your own
 jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
 thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he
 or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is
 $8.95 for three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
 than enough. You almost never have strap problems in
 public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your
 clothes. Everything on your face stays its original
 color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
 decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
 You can play with toys all your life. Your belly
 usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair
 of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear
 shorts no matter how your legs look. You can “do”
 your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of
 choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do
 Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24
 in 25 minutes.                                 
No wonder men are happier!


Damn Medication
A woman asks her husband, “Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice
of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?” she asks.
He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s
this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. “A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”
He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.”
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like
a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?”
He declines again. “Naw, still not hungry.”
“Well,” she says, “would you mind letting me up? I’m starving…