GOLFING LAWYERS
Two lawyers, Jon and David, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers David a $50 bet.
David agrees and they’re off. They do a great game. After the 8th hole, David is ahead by one
stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
“Help me find my ball. Look over there,'” he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither have any
luck. Since a lost ball carries a stroke penalty, David secretly pulls a ball from his pocket
and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces.
“After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,” Jon says, “you’d cheat me out
of a lousy 50 bucks?”
“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”
“And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says. “I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a

bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the

bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently

saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he

could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot

yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even

more rude.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him

in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and

screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard

for over a minute.  Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly

opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said

“I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I

fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and

unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about

to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his

behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

=====*=====
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University has
invented a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling and
prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold
weather sets in.

At a recent news conference announcing the invention, a large

 group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.
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Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska.

They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, “This little plane won’t lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You’ll have to leave one. We’d never make it over the trees on the take off.”

“That’s baloney!” says one of the hunters. “Yeah,” the other agrees, “You’re just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn’t afraid to take off!”

“Yeah”, said the first hunter, “and his plane wasn’t any bigger than yours!”

The pilot got angry, and said, “Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!”

They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn’t have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, “Where are we?”

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, “I’d say … About a hundred yards further than last year.”
=====*=====
“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”

“Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following day. The doctor greeted the couple and then said, “Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas.”

The woman obliged and removed her clothing.

“Okay, now turn all the way around… Now, lie down please… Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on.”

While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said to the man. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”
=====*=====
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny  decides that after their wedding she and Roger  should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together..

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed  and the expected knock’ on the door. Sure enough the knock  comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old  groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes  well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
 
After a few minutes, Jenny  hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s  Roger, Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are  done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good  night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep  again, but, aha you guessed it – Roger Is back  again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each  other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his  young bride says to him,

‘I am thoroughly impressed  that at your age you can perform so well and so  often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.’

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:

‘You mean I was here already?’
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Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to all those who could use a lift. It’s a heartwarming story Dear Safety Harbor Middle School: God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen’s luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. It’s nice to know that someone really thinks of me. God blesses you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said f_ck you.

=====*======

Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. My darling Jake,” she whispered. Hush, my love,” he said. “Rest. Shhh.Don’t talk.” She was insistent. “Jake,” she said in her tired voice. ” I have something I must confess to you.” “There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Jake. Everything’s all right, go to sleep .” “No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.” “I know,” he replied. “That’s why I poisoned you.”
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I want to make a Facebook account and name it Nobody so that when I like somebody’s post,
 it would say Nobody Likes This…
=====*=====
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Top Country Songs
15. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then

  Number Two On You
   14.. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
   13. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
   12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
   11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’
  Better
   10. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight cause I’m
  Afraid She’d Win
   9. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon
  Tonight
  8. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re
  Still Here
   7. How can I say goodbye when you won’t take your tongue outta my mouth
   6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I  Sure Do Miss Him
   5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
   4. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
  3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
  2. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
And, the Number 1 Favorite Country Song Is:
1. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but  I’ve Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.
=====*=====
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked in his friendliest way,

“What are you up to, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor commented, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your damn cat!
 
=====*=====
 
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees
a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After
an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally
 goes over to her and asks tentatively.
“Umm, would you mind if I chatted with you for
awhile?”
She yells at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t
 sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely
 embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him
and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m
sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate
student in psychology and I’m studying how people
respond to embarrassing situations.”
At the top of his lungs, he responds,
“What do you mean $200?”
=====*=====
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Subject: The Sensuous Wife

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have youever seen Twenty
Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse,
and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and
pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached
into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with
anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited.

“Well go look in the garage,” she said.
=====*=====
An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
‘Yes, Dad, what is it? ‘
‘Don’t be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn’t go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife….’
=====*=====
Two old guys
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart

When they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
‘Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn’t paying attention
To where I was going. The second old guy says, ‘That’s OK, it’s a coincidence.
I’m looking for my wife, too…’
I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate’
The first old guy says, ‘Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?’
‘ The second old guy says,
‘Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?’
To which the first old guy says, ‘Doesn’t matter,
— let’s look for yours.’
 
=====*=====

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On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, ‘How much money money do you make a week?’
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, ‘I make $400 a week. Why?’
The CEO said, ‘Wait right here.’ He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, ‘Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.’
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, ‘Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?’ From across the room a voice said, ‘That was the pizza delivery guy.’
=====*=====
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress. They’re asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car collecting donations….”
“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.
The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”
=====*=====
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed, like my name, address, phone number…
=====*=====

A man walking along saw a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before.
He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, “Do you have the book on Donald Trump’s foreign policies with Mexico?”
The clerk replies, “Screw you!! Get out, and stay out!!”
The man replies, “Yeah, that’s the one!”
=====*=====
I was in a taxi and the driver said he loved his job because he was his own boss and nobody could tell him what to do. I said “That’s really great, now take a left here.”
=====*=====
He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. So The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”
=====*=====
What’s the worst thing your wife can say during sex?  Honey, I’m home!
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