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An old man had lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes,
and when all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”
“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side of Blackwater Sound.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings,
and as he slips away, the nurse says,
“Ma’am, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all
this property.”
The wife replies, “He had a paper route!”
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Seven-year-old Rachel asks.
Daddy, where did I come from?
It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. “Does that answer your question?” the mom asks.
“Not really,” the little girl says. “Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from.”
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The Weinstein Company didn’t fire Harvey because they found out he was a sexual predator. They fired him because WE found out.
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 Estate Planning

My buddy John was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

John wanted two things:

• to learn how to invest his inheritance and,

• to find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. 
Her natural beauty took his breath away. 
https://fridayfunnee.files.wordpress.com/2017/11/77bb2-b1.jpg

“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.


Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
https://fridayfunnee.files.wordpress.com/2017/11/8749d-b2.jpg

Women are so much better at estate planning than men…
 
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EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DIARY

  • 8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
  • 9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
  • 9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
  • 10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
  • 11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
  • 12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
  • 1:00 PM – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
  • 1:30 PM – ooooooo. bath. bummer.
  • 4:00 PM – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
  • 5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
  • 5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DIARY
  • DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
    while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
  • DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair.. must try this on their bed.
  • DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
  • DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
  • DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer..” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
  • DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time……
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The love story of Ralph and Edna…

 

 Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were  walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

 

 He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

 

 Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the  hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

 

 When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good  news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

 

 The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his

 bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

 

 Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.

 How soon can I go home?’

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The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”
The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”
He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!”
The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”
He replies,”I can’t get into your panties!”
“And you never will if you don’t change your attitude.”
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 No Thanks I M Just Here For Daisy

 
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