My neighbors listen to awesome music…

whether they like it or not.

=====*=====

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.

I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…

“I can see your feet.

We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.

=====*=====

My wife called me at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, I replied, “No…”

She responded, “How about now?”

=====*=====

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

=====*=====
CpmKGFp

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but I politely declined

I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

=====*=====

Two friends are walking their dogs–a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua–when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” says the owner, “no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” the guy with the Dalmatian says.

“A Dalmatian?” “Yes, they’re using them now.”

The owner says, “Very well, then, come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” says the second guy.

“A Chihuahua?” asks the incredulous owner.

“A Chihuahua?!” says the man in the dark glasses. “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”
=====*=====
Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things I’d started and hadn’t finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!!
=====*=====
thumbnail

A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.

“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”

=====*=====

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I’d choose.

I shouldn’t have named two.

=====*=====

Man says to his boss, “Can we talk? I have a problem.”

Boss: “Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!”

Man: “Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
=====*=====

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.

=====*=====

An Irish man walks into the pub

The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?”

The man says: “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says: “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says: “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.”

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him: “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man said: “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”

=====*=====

Irish Confession

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, “Father,  forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

He replied, “You moron, you’re on my side.”

=====*=====

Kelly showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell over with joy. Kelly hadn’t been to church in years.

Enthused with Kelly’s presence, Father delivered an impassioned sermon on the Ten Commandments. After Mass, skirts flying, Father caught up with Kelly at the church door. “Kelly, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what brought ya?”

Kelly said, “To be honest Father, a while back, I lost me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Murphy had a hat just like it, and I knew that Murphy came to church every Sunday. I figured I would sit behind him and steal his hat.”

Father said, “Well, Kelly, I notice ya didn’t steal Murphy’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided not to steal Murphy’s hat after all.”

The priest gave Kelly a big smile and said; “After I spoke about the seventh commandment, Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided not to steal Murphy’s hat?”

Kelly shook his head and said, “No, Father. It was when you got to the sixth commandment, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery.”

“I remembered where I left my hat.”

=====*=====
An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.

His wife says: “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”

The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing.

What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.

Here boy” he replies.

=====*=====
A bar is empty except for two patrons. One of them staggers over to the other and says, “How’s it going? Where you from?”
The other guy says “Ireland.”
The first drunk says “That’s cool! I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have a round for Ireland!” They both drink merrily.
Then the first guy says “So where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin.”
“Dublin? Awesome! I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another round for Dublin!” Once again, they both drink merrily.
Then the first guy asks, “So where did you go to school?”
“St. Mary’s, class of ’62” answers the other guy.
“Incredible! I graduated in ’62 from St. Mary’s, too! Let’s have a round for St. Mary’s!” Once again, they suck down another round.
Just then, one of the bar regulars walks in and sits at the bar. He asks the bartender, “So what’s going on today?”

The bartender answers, “Nothing… The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”
 
=====*=====
 

An English man, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people.

The Englishman says, “The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free”.

Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.

The Scottish man says, “Yeah. That’s quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free.”

Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.

The Irish man says “Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for sex”

The English says “WOW! Did that happen to you?” and the Irishman replies “No, but it happened to my sister.”
 
=====*=====
 

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together 20 years ago. I couldn’t BELIEVE it when she asked if I’d like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

“Wow!” I said “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now! I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!”

She giggled and said she was sure I’d meet the challenge.

“Yeah,” I said, “Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistband that’s a few inches wider these days!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute.

“Anyway”, she said, “I’ve put on a couple of pounds myself!”

immediately hung up the phone….
=====*=====
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
 
=====*=====
 
A woman asks her husband, “Would you like some bacon and eggs, a
slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?”

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s
this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. “A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”

He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.”

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like
a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?”

He declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra…I’m
still not hungry.”

Well,” she says, “Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.”

 


A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “That’s from Grandma.”
=====*=====

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”

The husband says, “Change the battery in your hearing aid.
=====*=====
The Female/Male Dictionary

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s
girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having sex.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way.  So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 
Ø    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.  Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
Ø    Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 
Ø    The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it’s still on the list.
 
Ø    Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
Ø    If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
 
Ø    We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
 
Ø    War does not determine who is right — only who is left.
 
Ø    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 
Ø    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
Ø    Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
 
Ø    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.
 
Ø    A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  My desk is a work station.
 
Ø   I  thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
 
Ø    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”
 
Ø    I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 
Ø    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 
Ø    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
 
Ø    Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 
Ø    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
Ø    You do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
 
Ø    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
 
Ø    Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
 
Ø    Some cause happiness wherever they go.  Others whenever they go.
 
Ø    I used to be indecisive..  Now I’m not sure.
 
Ø    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
 
Ø    You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
 
Ø    Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
 
Ø    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
=====*=====
 
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from

shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your

doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more

confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can

help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the

world that you’re ready and willing to do just about

anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost

immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can

overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the

life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and

you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are

pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However,

women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are

encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting,

incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control,

loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,

delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache,

dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and

play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and

Naked Twister.

Tequila®…. Leave Shyness Behind!!!!